I stopped hunting for a job today. Not because I have found the perfect job but because today I decided some things that I want in a job.
-I want to love it
-Make a difference, have an effect
-No 8-5 in a building
-Include some travel
-Pretty unstructured, student-style
Today more than ever I wish I am talented in the arts. Maybe a beautiful writer, a gifted musical artist, a spectacular photographer, or a natural creative designer. I am none of these things. My hobbies/passions include running, reading, traveling, quality time with others, adventures, and exploring. Is it too much to ask that I find a job including some of these things that I love?
It may be impossible but I'm not ready to give up yet. This may mean picking up 3 part time jobs when I make the move to Minneapolis but to me, its worth it.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
sleepless nights
It is another sleepless night. I've checked and replied to all emails, thoroughly stalked everyone and their mom on facebook, gave out birthday notes through the rest of the week, read up on all my Google Reader articles, done hundreds of crunches...and the list could go on. I am officially tired of reading my book, tired of being on my computer, and tired of watching tv...but sleep won't come. It is 3:15AM in Iowa, a little late for a phone call. After running/jogging/walking 15 miles today, walking another few, and studying more than I have done in over a year you think I would be ready for bed. What to do, what to do.
This is my nightly routine about3-5 nights/week. What is going on?!
This is my nightly routine about3-5 nights/week. What is going on?!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
tamed
"maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them"
last weekend i gave myself another self-guided tour to another city i have never been to: San Diego. it was beautiful and i had the time of my life!
somewhere between the asking strangers to take my pictures, discussing directions and things to see with the locals, and sprinting to catch my Amtrak...i decided i wouldnt trade it for anything. hitting the roadmark age of 22 has had me thinking about marriage, a full-time "real" job, and even having kids. my first thoughts are "i am not ready" but after spending a lot of time toiling the ideas around, i think that i may never be. dont get me wrong, i want to share life with someone and have my own offspring to invest my life into - but i dont want to be expected to have dinner ready at 7 for a family of 6 every night. and i wont stay put in my mediocre suburb with one 8 day vacation once a year.
i know that things dont have to be this way. i know in my life they definitely wont. but part of me is scared it will happen. one day i will look at the past 364 days of the year and realize the stencil i have fallen into. for some reason it feels good to vocalize my intent to never let this happen.
last weekend i gave myself another self-guided tour to another city i have never been to: San Diego. it was beautiful and i had the time of my life!
somewhere between the asking strangers to take my pictures, discussing directions and things to see with the locals, and sprinting to catch my Amtrak...i decided i wouldnt trade it for anything. hitting the roadmark age of 22 has had me thinking about marriage, a full-time "real" job, and even having kids. my first thoughts are "i am not ready" but after spending a lot of time toiling the ideas around, i think that i may never be. dont get me wrong, i want to share life with someone and have my own offspring to invest my life into - but i dont want to be expected to have dinner ready at 7 for a family of 6 every night. and i wont stay put in my mediocre suburb with one 8 day vacation once a year.
i know that things dont have to be this way. i know in my life they definitely wont. but part of me is scared it will happen. one day i will look at the past 364 days of the year and realize the stencil i have fallen into. for some reason it feels good to vocalize my intent to never let this happen.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
running ethics
I set out today for an 18 mile run, part of my marathon training schedule, by mile 6 I had decided I no longer wanted to do a marathon (of course I am back to contemplating now) and decided to celebrate by skipping out on the 18 miles and exploring some new trails! The Recreational Trail sounded promising, so I took the rolling hills for a while.
After about 2 miles of running over the peaks of the several foothills surrounding the Oak Park community, the sun began to set behind the hills, my environmental alarm clock. I take the next route down I can find and begin the feel the exhaustion from the hills and the heat. Just as thoughts of cool water and refreshing fruit fill my thoughts I spot a water bottle and red Gatorade bottle standing hand-in-hand on a wood post marking the trail. Droplets of condensation fall down the slick sides of the bottles taunting me. My feet come to a hault and I stand looking around, then at the bottles. Is this right? No, its not. After exciting the trail I take a left following my sense of direction. Of course this is always a mistake because I have none, so I manage a run a long mile in the wrong direction and have to stop and ask directions.
By the time I reach my landmark of the appetizing refreshments my watch has alerted me that I have run 10 miles, reminding me of my dehydration and NEED for a drink. Instinctively I run past the bottle but don't make it 10 feet before I turn around. Glancing from side to side I make sure that no one is watching and I go for the Gatorade. It takes about 10 seconds to gulp over a third of it down. After quickly replacing the lid, with a big smile on my face and red dyed lips, I continue on.
Its less than a mile before I manage to get attacked by a tree limb, leaving a trickle of blood down my leg. I look down and the red reminds me of the red Gatorade - natures retaliation.
Running Ethical Dilemmas:
1. Is it ethically wrong to sign up for a marathon then sell your registration on Craig's List? No?
2. Is it ethically wrong to drink another runner/hikers rehydration beverage? Probably
3. Is it ethically wrong for trees to grow long, pointy, random limbs out into the sidewalks? Yes
No worries. My run ended up lasting 14.80 miles long...I had plenty of time to contemplate the Gatorade move and I still don't feel the slightest tinge of guilt.
After about 2 miles of running over the peaks of the several foothills surrounding the Oak Park community, the sun began to set behind the hills, my environmental alarm clock. I take the next route down I can find and begin the feel the exhaustion from the hills and the heat. Just as thoughts of cool water and refreshing fruit fill my thoughts I spot a water bottle and red Gatorade bottle standing hand-in-hand on a wood post marking the trail. Droplets of condensation fall down the slick sides of the bottles taunting me. My feet come to a hault and I stand looking around, then at the bottles. Is this right? No, its not. After exciting the trail I take a left following my sense of direction. Of course this is always a mistake because I have none, so I manage a run a long mile in the wrong direction and have to stop and ask directions.
By the time I reach my landmark of the appetizing refreshments my watch has alerted me that I have run 10 miles, reminding me of my dehydration and NEED for a drink. Instinctively I run past the bottle but don't make it 10 feet before I turn around. Glancing from side to side I make sure that no one is watching and I go for the Gatorade. It takes about 10 seconds to gulp over a third of it down. After quickly replacing the lid, with a big smile on my face and red dyed lips, I continue on.
Its less than a mile before I manage to get attacked by a tree limb, leaving a trickle of blood down my leg. I look down and the red reminds me of the red Gatorade - natures retaliation.
Running Ethical Dilemmas:
1. Is it ethically wrong to sign up for a marathon then sell your registration on Craig's List? No?
2. Is it ethically wrong to drink another runner/hikers rehydration beverage? Probably
3. Is it ethically wrong for trees to grow long, pointy, random limbs out into the sidewalks? Yes
No worries. My run ended up lasting 14.80 miles long...I had plenty of time to contemplate the Gatorade move and I still don't feel the slightest tinge of guilt.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
home
Michael Buble's rendition of HOME has been on repeat for the past hour or so, its just been one of those days. The last time I heard this song WAY TOO MANY times in a short period of time was during my trip to Europe. Of course at that time my home was in Iowa City with my best friends, my Cliff Apartments home, and my boyfriend. Now, I don't even know what I should be picturing, desiring, or missing. It couldn't possibly be my parents house in Gilbert where I have spent less than 10 nights in the past 3 years. Maybe its the apartment I have yet to see and would need some pretty specific directions to find that I am currently paying rent for in Saint Paul? Not yet. Completely everything of mine has been moved off of Welch Ave in Ames where I resided over 3.5 months ago now. Of course LA has felt like home for the past several weeks but after moving half my things back to the midwest my closet/room/household belongings consist of less than a suitcase full. That plus the move-out date creeping closer and closer has me wondering.
I guess for now I will continue listening to this painfully depressing song, probably have a beer, and ponder.
I guess for now I will continue listening to this painfully depressing song, probably have a beer, and ponder.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
instant energy beans
Before every marathon or large race there is a bit expo where companies come hand out free samples. Of course last weekend my aunt and I grabbed several of everything they were dishing out. On my search for gum this afternoon I came across these Instant Energy Beans, chewable and flavored Double Mocha Gourmet. Its been kind of a downer day so I didn't hesitate to pop these mysterious pills into my mouth. Hopefully I will have a better update for you later. 5 minutes into my experiment I'm feeling nauseated and am brushing my teeth to get rid of the most disgusting chalky fake mocha taste that is stuck in all my teeth. good thinking Melissa.
Monday, August 3, 2009
self destruction
ever known anyone who hurts themselves? not usually physically and nothing obvious or ordinary that could be publicly noted. but deep inside his/her decisions, his/her thoughts and lifestyles, its there: self destruction.
i see this every day in the life of someone i love. and almost everyday it eats part of me up. self denial and pointing the blame elsewhere are defense mechanisms used in defense of his/herself but i know the truth. ive seen the cycles enough to know whats coming next. its only a matter of time.
i see this every day in the life of someone i love. and almost everyday it eats part of me up. self denial and pointing the blame elsewhere are defense mechanisms used in defense of his/herself but i know the truth. ive seen the cycles enough to know whats coming next. its only a matter of time.
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